A Tout Le Monde---Lyrics included at the end...with translations.

On September 9, 2009 I wrote the following:
"So, this is the first post to a new blog. What is the point of this blog, not much. I will post my daily workout and my progress towards getting into shape to run as a team member for the world-famous Hood-to-Coast relay in Oregon next year. It has been a long time since I ran, and it has been a year and a half since I had hernia surgery. We shall see how my 41 year old knees and shins do. I have been to the gym pretty solidly over the last few weeks on the eliptical trainers trying to get some cardio work in and some leg strengthening in before *actually* starting in on the running. That will begin next week along with some weight training.

I hope if you found this blog looking for inspiration or training advice, I can help. Well, we shall see how that goes. I have a few ideas about how to get from 0 to 3 miles in 9 weeks, we will have to take this one day at a time and see how we do."

As the Greatful Dead once said..."What a long strange trip it's been." 

Pack a lunch...this is gonna be one for the record books in length.

Well, it has been an interesting run.  I never made that HtC team...the day they were supposed to send in the packet I went to the office and was told they gave up due to lack of runners.  Had I known, I knew I could have drummed up six more runners that would have jumped on the chance to run the race.  Alas, it was not meant to be.  There will not be a Hood-To-Coast team shirt for me to wear, or place in my closet.  This last weekend, after what could be termed the world's longest taper (my longest run since November 27th's 10 miler was a six miler a couple of weeks ago and I've only been running one day a week) I ran my last race.  The inaugural Rock 'N' Roll Portland Half-Marathon.  I got the medal...

Kinda neat actually, I think it weighs as much as all the rest of my medals combined.  This was my third inaugural race since last April.  One of those will never be run again, so Kim, Staci and I met and ran the only Sherwood Run for the Roses Half that is likely to ever be run.  And I am not going to run any of them again.

So, first I will cover the race...then I will see where I take this from here.

EXPO Report:
I went to the Expo on Saturday late afternoon and took my four hellions with me.  That was fun.  We walked in, got my bib, basic instructions for filling out the back of the bib, and then made our way to the shirts.  Nice shirts it is a good thing I wear a men's Large, as they tend to run out of everything else; then to the swag bag area.  I asked if one of the girls wanted to carry my shirt and if one wanted to carry the bag... I had two volunteers for about 10 minutes..maybe less, before the shirt was shoved into the bag, and the bag was swung over my back.  Our first stop was the "Cavalcade of Oddities" from Brooks.  They were showing off their DNA products and had the cool demo of the pool of the stuff that you can slowly put your hand in like a liquid, but if you punch it or run on it, it acts like a solid.  Very cool.  After their person runs across it, they ask for a kid to come up and run across it. I wasn't quite quick enough with my approval for my girls to make it up for either the one person running across the goo, or to draw the names out of the bowl.  They gave away two pairs of shoes each hour.

After that demo was finished, we looked around the "Circus Sideshow" that Brooks had set up.  We played Skeeball, and tried to throw balls into the backs of running shoes.  I had gotten a free shirt as part of the sign up for the free shoes from the demo. I ran into a little Fruit Fly and her friends, and we chatted for a few minutes, then we wandered out into the market place in search of freebies.  This was my last race, so I wasn't interested in getting registration information to "the next big race".  The looks of confusion on the part of the people handing stuff out was kinda fun. When someone is handing out discounts for a race, and you reply, "No thanks, I'm retiring after tomorrow."  They just didn't quite know if I was shining them off, or what. Very humorous---well to me anyway.

At one point we passed by the booth of 6 people with an Aloe Vera based hand lotion, and I said to Number 1 that she should walk over, let them squirt some on her hands and then right when they start to rub it in, say, "OW!  IT Burns!!"  She wasn't quite sure why it would be funny, but she did it anyway, and the lady about had a heart attack.  I do so love that my daughters understand sarcasm, and that a good prank is sometimes better than anything else, even if you aren't entirely sure what is going on with it.  She plays along famously.  LOVE my oldest for that.

They pestered me over and over about what time is was. I asked if they had someplace to be, and they said yeah, back at the last demo with the lizard guy, we want to go on stage. So, just before 4:00 we hustled back over to the stage, and I filled out another free give away ticket...when the same blonde gal asked if I had been by before, I just shrugged and didn't answer.  REALLY?  You are giving away t-shirts, bandanas, and other cheap-ass swag from Brooks, and you are worried about "repeat customers?"  Dang, you budget for the give-aways must be tight.  The demo started, and we were at the front of the stage, he got to the point of asking for a volunteer, and Number 1 was going up the stairs.  She performed perfectly, and wasn't the least bit shy.  Then when he asked for someone to pull the names out of the bowl, Number 2 was on it!  She jumped up the stairs, and managed to read both names perfectly, and without a hint of stage-fright. I was very proud of both of them.  This was a pretty good sized crowd of complete strangers, and they were on it.

We wrapped up our journey through the expo, and headed for home.  I wanted to get my stuff put together so that in the morning I wouldn't need to think or plan. Everything would be done.  Pinned my shirt, packed my post-race clothes and shoes into my bag, and then ate some dinner.  I was as ready as I was EVER gonna be.  Nothin like a 7 month taper to put the mind at ease.

Number One demoed

Number Two read the names perfect

Expo fun for all

Portland Rock 'N' Roll Pikermi:
Sunday morning, 8:00 am? Really RnR?  8:00 am?  You couldn't find bands that wanted to start earlier?  I'm used to races starting at 7:00, so this was odd to "sleep in" until 6:00 and still be early for the start.  I got downtown and parked in one of the two garages I always park in for events on the waterfront.  I love Portland's short walk to everywhere feel. So, parked and ready, I wandered down to the festivities, and tried to figure out where everything was.  That was actually a bit of a trick.  They were spread out from one end of the park to the other.  Once I figured out that I was at the finish end, and where I needed to be was at the OTHER end...I started walking.  I passed by the UPS Gear Drop, a line of large brown trucks with last name markers on the back, I dropped my gear, and headed to see if I could find Little Fruit Fly.  She wanted to run this race with me, and I was hoping that doing so would make it fun.  Turns out it was.  I nearly lost it a couple of times standing waiting for her to find me.  Once when they were playing Cheap Trick, and again as I was watching couples separate as the runner headed to the start and their supporting partner went to wait at the finish area.

Once we hooked up we wandered back to her starting corral, and we chatted with a couple of women from Montana.  I always liked that aspect of races. You never knew where anyone would be from.  Anyway, the start time came, and they started singing the National Anthem, and I started hyperventilating, I was about to lose my shite...but I held it together somehow.  The announcer annoyed us all to no end, but we made it past him after about 15 minutes or so, and off I went on my final race.  LFF and I struck out at a good pace, though she wanted to go faster than I thought she should at the start, so we backed off, and even before the first real hills she was threatening to punch me in the face.  If that isn't a good sign I don't know what is.  She was looking around and made herself dizzy, so we managed to get across the first bridge over the Willamette, and down into the OMSI area before she needed to stop running and walk. I told her that she was driving this race, and that I was just along for the ride.  We ran/walked for the next couple of miles together before my large coffee, one pre-race bottle of water, and whatnot caught up with me.  I had to stop at the short line of porta-potties.  I told her to keep running and that I would catch up to her.  She asked if I was sure, and I said, oh, yeah, no problem.  After a short wait, and a medium length stop I felt much better and headed off into the crowd.

Now, I have to say, that running in Portland is often filled with lots of people cheering you on, but do the run in a kilt, and you get LOTS of direct comments, from everyone from kids to adults.  Everyone else is just a runner, you are a runner in a KILT...people notice.  So as I worked my way back up to LFF's side, I was shouted at and cheered on, and since it was up hills (yeah I really do like running up hills) I made pretty good time, and caught up with her before we started the "all downhill from here" point.  We trucked along, staying pretty much with the people we had been around all morning.  I tend to keep tabs on where I am in the groups by who I have passed and whether or not they have passed me.  We passed people who were mad that the road closures meant "THEM TOO" and we managed to not get caught be too many traffic stops to let 4-5 cars by at a time, or a bus to go by.  So all in all, we managed to do what LFF wanted which was to keep moving forward at all times, even if it was at a quick walk.

When we got to the final mile and change, I asked if she was good for the final mile in.  Yes, and so in we went, over the Steel Bridge, and down onto Naito Parkway.  Then I pointed out a guy with K-T Tape on both ankles, and I said that we had to pick him off.  She wanted to keep it in check a little, and I said that was fine.  What I didn't tell her is that I was starting to lose it, and that staying focused on where she was kept me from breaking down into tears.  When my phone chimed out that I had gotten a text...for a brief fleeting moment I hoped that it was the Mrs. telling me that she had brought the girls down to watch me finish.  Thank you Verizon for telling me that my enrollment in the corporate discount was approved.  Then she started picking people off after him right and left, then we pretty much sprinted to the end.  I almost lost it twice more running up that final 3/4 of a mile or so.  There were all these people cheering on their runners, calling out their names, and I knew there wouldn't be anyone there to cheer me in.  I had secretly hoped that someone would show up.  I had hoped that my wife would bring my girls down in spite of the rain for them to watch me finish.  I did a good job of banishing those thoughts and focused on staying with LFF.  I wanted to cross the pads at as close to the same time as possible. Kilt flying in around me we crossed the pads.

This race is over

The next one is not chip timed

And no clear finish

Race over.
I got my medal, grabbed a water, and started walking away...I grabbed a fruit cup (best post race fruit EVER) and cracked it open and poured the juice and chunks of fruit into my mouth. Drank a bit of the water, turned around and found LFF.  She managed to do her usual post race shrubbery worship without making any deposits.  We made our way through the maze of the finisher's area, got her a space blanket and proceeded to the gear check.  I just let myself enjoy hanging out after the race, I didn't have anywhere I needed to be, and I was rather enjoying the 60 and raining day.  Once we had our fill of the post race events, we made our way out to where we will be from.  More than once I was asked about the kilt, and the race, and I would get the odd, "Why?" when I would say that I was retiring from running.  So, I suppose I should let the 7 of you that have remained somewhat faithful to this blog and to me--your comments do make me smile on the days I have needed it most--why I am retiring and why the blog is going too.

Retirement: 

(you may bail here if you wish--the rest is gonna be cathartic for me and will be how I see things from my state of mind)

I have given this a lot of thought over the last few months.  I trust that you have noticed that there is a much different vibe to this place than there was.  I have been fighting with depression.  It turns out that I have been depressed for a long time, a bit over 2 years now.  And in the last year I became VERY depressed. So depressed, in fact, that I would go to sleep praying for death.  That it would be preferable to wake up dead, than to face another day.  I have felt alone, and abandoned in much of my life.  I won't bore you with the full details of this, but suffice it to say, that I have felt that my opinions and dreams and desires have never been allowed to ever be discussed or considered to be worthwhile.  While I was expected to lend a hand into everyone else's, mine were to be left to die.  Mine had no value or worth.  It didn't matter if it was something like, joining the Army, to wanting to play guitar, my plans were always pushed aside as less important to others' or made to feel like mistakes that I made, and was stupid to have made them.

I took back to running as a way to lose my belly, and to find a place that I could just zone and be.  I had always liked long runs in the Army, and I was pretty good at it back when I was 18.  So, I slowly started running again. I "ran" my first race in December of '9.  It was cold that day, but I enjoyed myself.  I had conned a friend into running with me, and she and I had a blast together.  Somewhere in the next few months my world began to unravel, and I had an affair with that friend.  Yeah, I'm not an angel....in fact, quite the opposite.  My guilt beat me up, and I began to slide even more into depression...and feeling even more abandoned.  I still, to this day do not know why I did it in the first place.  And I offer no excuses for my behavior, or the things that I have said.  I started training for longer runs, trying to escape I guess.  I blogged about the good stuff, and I am sure I seem like a fun person.  Truth is, I'm kinda not.  I don't like to smile, and I'm a big grump most of the time.  I have a wicked temper, and I tend to aim for the core when I strike.  I am very NOT nice.

Last year it was at its worst.  I honestly cannot tell you what the days held.  If I didn't blog about it, the day didn't exist.  I was in a grey mist of existence, there was no joy at all.  There were little bursts of days that were good, but for the most part I was gone...I wanted to die.  I longed for it.  Then in the mornings, I would look upon my girls, and it was worth waking for.  They would not understand why daddy wasn't there if I did something stupid.  I couldn't do that to them. (this hurts to type)  So I pressed on, or tried to.  I started e-mailing with another runner/blogger friend and we got to be emotionally involved.  And at some point it crossed a serious line.  The things that were said shall remain in the annals and catalogs of my mind.  Forever engraved in there.  These are things that make me physically ill at this point. I shall relive the months of October, November and December 2011 for the rest of my life.  There are some happy points...but if you could talk to any of the people that I turned to when I collapsed, there were far more bad days then good, and the bad days only seemed to get worse. And those bad points would collapse to a point of complete uselessness. I couldn't even begin to think about doing ANYTHING.

I am in counseling, I am trying to resolve the historical issues, and I am trying to move forward.  I wish that I could post that my wife and I are working on things, but I can only tell you that I was horrible to her. In ways that should I print them the lot of you would find me with pitchforks, torches and shovels and drive me to the nearest windmill to burn it to the ground around me.  I was a monster.  I would make Mary Shelly cringe.  I was not worthy of anyone's support.  I still feel I am not.  I hope that someday I will be her friend. 

She started running this spring, and she won't talk to me about running.  "I can't talk to you about running" with such venom in her words as to cause my heart to break.  Here I was a guy who had lost 30 pounds 4 inches and run 2 marathons in the last year, and she couldn't talk to me about running.  She ties running with the affairs....and well, yeah, I can see her point.  She also ties the blogging to the running, and my reading of blogs and facebook etc..to the whole of my decline away from her.  Never mind that the depression started well in advance of my blog being followed by anyone and before I found the Loop on Runner's World.  It is how she sees things.  I understand that.  There are things that she does, that I equally vilify in my mind...even if there is nothing there to vilify.  It is how I see them.  Again, I am not offering any excuses for my deplorable behavior.  I let down a person that I had been best friends with for nearly 21 years, and I let down the four most amazing people in the world...my daughters.  I don't get to come home at the end of the day and tuck them into bed, and kiss them on their heads.

As I get to the end of this, I have managed to do it without shedding too many tears...I want to thank you all for making this journey with me.  I want to thank the few of you I actually met, Juanita, Kim, Staci and R0nda, those that I met on a trip this fall that in hindsight I shouldn't have taken.  I want to thank XLMIC, whom I would have loved to meet.  I feel I let many people down, including the lot of you that I have never met.  I like Kim's calling of followers "imaginary friends" and I think of you as such...with the emphasis on the last word and not the first.  Most of us are runners...and I hope and trust that you will all keep running and think of me once in a while...especially on long slow days---LSD's are my specialty, they are low and slow, and just cruise.  I like those.

The end has been reached
at least this chapter’s


where the next page leads
the characters of my world
we will have to see


though the tale won’t be told here
it may get found in some other place
or perhaps it won’t be told at all
like the stories of the vast majority


The future will write itself
I hope to assist in ways yet unseen
I hope to entrust my will upon it
to mold the outcome to my desire
for once in my life to see the dream live

The above is mine...below are the words from a Megadeth song...they seem exquisitely fitting.
A tout le monde
A tous mes amis
Je vous aime
Je dois partir

A Tout Le Monde

Megadeth

Don't remember where I was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously I took things
The harder the rules became
I had no idea what it'd cost
My life passed before my eyes
I found out how little I accomplished
All my plans denied

So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
Please smile when you think of me
My body's gone that's all

A tout le monde (To all the world)
A tous mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I have to leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

If my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There's nothing more to say

Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living are scarred

A tout le monde (To all the world)
A tous mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I have to leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
Please, smile, smile when you think about me
My body's gone that's all

A tout le monde (To all the world)
A tous mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I have to leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

A tout le monde (To all the world)
A tous mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I have to leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free